Health Care Plan For Doctors

There are geriatric programs now that encourage medical students to spend 10 days or so in a nursing home -- as patients. They are given a "pretend" disease and diagnosis, and if that means living in a wheelchair and eating a special diet, that's what they do. One student who was at a VA hospital, smeared petroleum jelly on his glasses and put cotton in his ears to replicate a patient with failing eyesight and hearing. I think this is a great idea and will give these men and women more empathy for their patients once they become doctors. But I don't think it goes far enough, and I believe all doctors should learn what it's like to be a patient in their specialty before they get a license to put on their white coats and ask us to take off our clothes.

Obstetricians should have to have some sort of uncomfortable pillow bulging from their stomachs. Then they should be subjected to perfect strangers touching their bellies and saying things like, "In my day, the doctors didn't let us gain so much weight." Of course, the male future obstetricians will get some different kinds of comments, but they must just smile at the skeptic who doesn't believe a man can get pregnant.

Pediatricians should have to go through everything that babies endure. Their cheeks should be pinched, and people they don't know should pat their bottoms affectionately. When the male students' diapers are changed, they can't say a word when whoever's changing them makes a comment about the size of their genitals. On the other hand, since they will be pretending to be babies, the students will be allowed to try to pee on the person changing their diaper.

Those prospective doctors who plan on treating adolescents will have huge false pimples placed all over their bodies. Then in the waiting room, they'll have to sit next to young people with perfect skin who look at them with disgust. When they see the doctor, they'll sit there calmly as he tells them, "They're just pimples. Nothing to worry about. Nobody will even notice."

Medical students pretending to be adult patients will have to wait up to two hours before seeing their "doctor." Then after he or she deigns to see the student, the doctor will have the wrong file, take personal calls, and forget why the patient is there. After that, the medical student/patient will be presented with a bill whose total will be slightly more than the Gross National Product of Brazil.

Getting back to the geriatric patients, as I said, I think it's a good idea, but it's just a start. Those posing as senior citizens should be ignored by people in the gift shop, pushed out of the way by younger people, and spoken to by almost everyone in a condescending tone of voice.

To give the prospective doctors an even greater idea of the frame of mind of some seniors, they should have to participate in a little play. The students should be seated at the kitchen table while those pretending to be their kids are off to the side. The kids talk about the senior citizen as if he or she isn't there. They don't even bother to whisper. It would go something like this:

DAUGHTER: "We've got to do something about Dad."

SON: "What are you talking about? He's fine."

DAUGHTER: "He's not fine. Just look at him."

At this point, the son and daughter look at the medical student/older person who continues to eat his or her breakfast cereal. The son and daughter shake their heads glumly, and the student is supposed to act as if he doesn't know they are talking about and staring at him or her.

SON: "Well, he can't live with us. We don't have the room."

DAUGHTER: "I knew you were going to say that. Okay, he can stay with us, but I get Mom's jewelry."

At this point, the medical student/senior has the right to pretend to be choking, and to spit the cereal all over the kitchen table.

I definitely think this kind of program will make doctors more compassionate towards older patients. And it might make them think a little longer about how much they should leave their kids in their wills.

Government Wants To Dine With You

The public debate over health care has become increasingly contentious. There is a group of people that doesn't want the government to be involved in anything having to do with their health. They seem to conveniently forget about Medicare, but that's their right. I recently learned that there is a proposed provision in the health care bill called The Affordable Health Choices Act. This has to do with insisting that restaurants put on their menus caloric and other nutritional information about the food they serve. Why haven't I seen crazed people (some with their precious legal guns), screaming their opposition to the government telling them what to eat? I'm surprised I haven't seen angry signs, saying things like, "I'll be Unhealthy If I Want To," or "Feds: Keep Your Hands Off My Fat."

The proposal is not as simple as one would hope. As of now, the bill only applies to chains with twenty or more restaurants. These restaurants must post calories on their menus and provide other information such as fat and sodium content if customers request it. Small restaurants claim the new menus would cause too much of a hardship for them. Needless to say, the chain restaurants don't think this is fair. So we have the weird situation in which Domino's Pizza, Del Taco, and Jack in the Box, among similar places, are calling for a plan that would give more nutritional information to more people. This is like the tobacco companies saying, "No, those warnings on the packs aren't scary enough. Let's just say these things cause cancer, and you'd be a fool to smoke them."

Let's assume that they work out the details and come up with a menu labeling bill that makes sense to all of the restaurant owners. If it helps people lose weight and avoid things like diabetes and obesity – which is the purpose– I think it's a great idea. There's nothing wrong with educating people about food.

But I'm concerned about how this is going to change the American dining experience.

Let's say you and your spouse go out to dinner for your anniversary. You go to that special, favorite restaurant of yours. Do you really want to see how many calories are in that item that you've dreamt of for weeks? Will the two of you have a good time if, after the waiter describes a delicious dinner, you stop him and ask, "How many grams of sodium are in it?" Will you skip that special dessert if you see that it contains more calories than a marathon runner burns? Will the two of you end up just ordering salads, and then uttering those words that have become part of our modern vocabulary – "and I'd like the dressing on the side, please."

This may take some of the fun and all of the romance out of eating.

Maybe the restaurants should print up two sets of menus: one for those who want the information and one for those who don't. Of course, it's quite possible that those who don't want to know how many calories are in the Chocolate Surprise are those who need this information the most.

Maybe they should add an "every once in a while clause." This would entitle us to go out to dinner every once in a while, and order from old-fashioned menus without the nutritional information. This would apply to holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries. And I guess it should apply to days when you're feeling really good. Of course, you might also want to enjoy food when you're feeling really bad. And then there's... Okay, okay, maybe the "every once in a while clause" isn't such a practical idea.

Obviously, when I think about the statistics about how unhealthy we eat and what the costs are both in terms of health and money, I'm for this plan. These harsh realities outweigh my concerns about fun no longer being part of eating.

But I am concerned that this kind of thing can get out of hand. Food regulations are a greasy slope.

This bill may lead to people ordering without even mentioning the food, and just saying things like: "I'll have the

13.28

grams

of fat, 453 milli

grams

of

sodium

, and 28

grams

of carbohydrates." If we ever get to that point, I'll rebel and work to repeal the bill. Or at least, I'll ask for a side order of 39 grams of sugar.