Lloyd Garver

Glenn Close going crazy in "Fatal Attraction" was a cautionary tale for any man considering a casual affair in the late '80s. Today, the repercussions of Tiger Woods' affairs should be enough to discourage men from cheating on their wives. When statisticians do their work on the subject, I'll bet we'll see a dip in the number of unfaithful male spouses for the years immediately after Tiger's foolish philandering. This upswing in marital fidelity won't be because men are going to worry about the money they might have to give up if their wives find out they have strayed. It's not because of the possible effect on their children. It's not because they might lose the woman they love if they get caught doing some free-Lance mattress testing. No, what will terrorize millions of men about having an affair and getting caught is how this might affect their golf game.

There are an estimated 25 million men who play golf in the United States. For many of them, golf is like life and death, except more important. They spend thousands of dollars hoping to improve their score by one or two strokes. If you told them that their game would fall apart if they did something, they simply wouldn't do that thing. Well, if Tiger is any example, their golf game would fall apart if they were unfaithful and got caught. It's possible that Tiger could win the final tournament of the year, but even if he does, that's only one tournament. I don't think that's enough to make the guy with the custom golf cart and the beer belly take his eyes off his wife now.

Most of us don't know for certain what happened to Tiger this past Thanksgiving weekend. We know that in the middle of the night, Tiger smashed his Escalade into the fire hydrant near his driveway. Then his wife either attacked him with a golf club, or heroically used the club to smash open the window to rescue him. It all took place a few days after the "National Enquirer" reported that Tiger was having an affair, but I guess it's possible she was in a rescuing mood.

For years, Tiger Woods has been a favorite in every golf tournament that he's entered. This year has been very, very different for him. So far this year, he's 12th in scoring, 111

in greens in regulation, and 93rd in putts per hole. When an everyday golfer sees those statistics, his reaction has got to be something like, "That beautiful new neighbor would probably make me feel younger, but so would a new driver."

Golfers have to feel that if the greatest golfer in the world has a game that's fallen apart because of his compulsive couplings, the ordinary golfer probably wouldn't even be able to tell the difference between his putter and his bag if he cheated and got caught. Now, when millions of golfers tell their wives that the reason they were still playing after dark was because the course was crowded, they'll actually be telling the truth.

Future PhD theses will try to answer the question of whether Tiger's game suffered because he cheated or because he got caught. Even though some purists might point out that Tiger's game did not fall apart until he got caught, I doubt that those who really care about golf are going to take that chance. They'll do everything they can to avoid Tiger's fate. If they have a subscription to the "National Enquirer," they'll cancel it. If they own an Escalade, they'll sell it. If their house is near a fire hydrant, they'll move.

Generally speaking, golfers consider cheating to be a terrible offense. The kind of cheating I'm talking about involves things like kicking the ball to get a better shot or not counting a stroke because they hiccupped during their back swing. This kind of cheating is totally unacceptable to golfers. And since they learned how to avoid cheating on the golf course, there's no reason why they can't learn to avoid it in the rest of their lives. From now on, when you think you hear a golfer say he wants to "play around," what he probably said is that he wants to "play a round."

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I want to discuss two developments in the world of sports. One probably makes sense, but I don't like it. The other is ridiculous, and maybe a little ugly. Major League Baseball has decided to try out video replay to help umpires make certain decisions, and the women's golf has decided that all members must be able to "effectively communicate in English" by 2009 or face suspension. I'll bet you can guess which of these two decisions ticks me off the most.

There are some 120 foreign-born professional golfers playing in the LPGA –the governing body of women's golf. The biggest foreign contingent is from South Korea, and the "learn English or else" policy just so happened to have been announced at a meeting with the South Korean players.

I've always had an open mind and felt that those who believe in "English only" policies regarding education, voting and driving literature, etc. are certainly entitled to their wacko point of view. But now has that jingoistic, anti--foreigner feeling invaded sports, too?

One of my favorite things about sports is that the games often involve people from different countries. At any baseball game, you might see teammates who were born in different countries laughing in the dugout as they teach each other how to say, "The umpire is a bum" in different languages.

The LPGA – the governing body for women's golf - claims that the reason for the language policy is that sponsors want the golfers to speak English. Really? Why don't we see sponsors demanding that athletes in other sports based in the United States speak English better? And how do they plan on deciding if a woman golfer speaks English well enough for them? Golfers will actually be required to pass an English proficiency test. I hope they give this test to everybody, not just to those players born in foreign countries, because we know that there are plenty of American athletes who couldn't pass an English test.

Obviously, I don't know if the reason for this policy is because of the sponsors or because of some negative feelings for foreign-born players. But I do know that it seems wrong. They want to push them to be more "American" so they are instituting a policy that seems un-American? LPGA, take a mulligan and cancel this policy before it becomes even more of an embarrassment.

And then there's baseball. Although many of us sports fans often refuse to admit it, umpires are human. Because they are human, they make mistakes. They aren't making more bad calls then they used to, but they are being shown to have made more bad calls. In the old days, no one could be sure that the umpire had made a mistake. Today, when an umpire blows a call, it's shown over and over again on television. So Baseball announced that they will be using video replays for disputed home runs, whether a ball is fair or foul, and if a fan interfered with the ball.

I understand the reason behind it, but I don't embrace this idea wholeheartedly. Somehow the game got along fine without it for all these years. It seems to be in the same category as selling sushi at the ballpark instead of just hot dogs and beer. We know it's possible, but do we really need it?

I'll miss the manager running out to the umpire to argue that he's positive that the ball the umpire said was a home run was actually a foul ball. I'll miss seeing the umpire and the manager ridiculously miming the parabolas that each of them feels the ball took as it went out of the park. And I'll miss seeing the multi-million dollar a year manager kicking dirt on the umpire's shoes like a three year old when he doesn't get his way.

But at least the system will only be used for a few situations. They aren't going to stop the game for a replay every time a coach, manager, or player thinks an umpire has made a mistake. So when there's a close play at the plate, you'll still have the pleasure of seeing a chubby manager waddling out there to yell at the umpire. And because it's not women's golf, that manager can yell at the umpire in any language he chooses.

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