Scraping By On $500,000 A Year

As I'm sure you know, President Obama recently instituted a salary cap of $500,000 per year for CEO's of some companies that will be bailed out by taxpayers. To most of us, "only" half a million dollars a year doesn't sound bad. However, it's a lot less than these CEOs are used to getting, so they can't be pleased. Some of them are bound to write letters explaining their outraged feelings to the President. Letters like this:

Dear President Obama:

It has come to my attention that you have decided to put a salary cap on some of us who will be receiving bailout money because of the current financial crisis. I applaud your effort to try to help the American economy, but I must object to this cap business. To cut my salary – and the salary of others in my position – down to $5,000,000 is absurd. We need a salary commensurate with ... wait a minute. My assistant just told me that I misread the figure and the limit is not $5,000,000, but $500,000. $500,000 a year? You must be joking.

$500,000 a year? Isn't that about how much teachers and firefighters make? And do they really contribute more to society than us fat cat bankers?

Something that people who are not in the financial world don't understand is that those of us who have an impact on the economy, need to be happy in order to do our best work. What makes us happy? Things. Things like private jets, boats, offices with Picassos on the wall, and a very modest private island in the South Pacific. $500,000 a year won't even pay the insurance for these things.

I have a lot of expenses that the general public doesn't know about. I set my wife up in a cute little store that loses about $60,000 every month. I don't just need to belong to one country club; I need to belong to a country club near each of my five homes. Front row seats are not cheap for basketball games, the opera, and ultimate fighting. If I don't sit in the front, I just don't enjoy the experience. Once I sat in the third row for a playoff game. I was so bummed out that the next day my bank lost $200,000,000.

Just between us guys, do you have any idea how expensive a mistress is? There are gifts, rent for her apartment, and singing lessons. I also have a private detective watching her because I think she might be cheating on me, and he's not cheap.

With all due respect, Mr. President, this plan, which would force CEOs to buy our suits off the rack, will be disastrous for our country. You talk about creating more jobs, but this will force many people out of work. With a salary of -- it's hard for me to even say it -- only $500,000 a year -- -- I won't be able to pay my chauffeur, the crew on my boat, and the woman who creates my personal aftershave. And am I supposed to toss out on the street the guy who takes care of my koi pond, my two year old's French tutor, and my chocolatier? God, I just love those confections.

I'm convinced that after you have read my letter, you will see the folly of your decision. Don't feel bad. Almost everybody makes mistakes. And isn't part of the "new politics" your being able to admit when you've been wrong? So, I thank you for your time.

If you're ever in New York, Beverly Hills, Deer Valley, Martha's Vineyard, or Liechtenstein, feel free to drop in on me.

Yours truly,

James "Trey" Harrington III

CEO Midwest Bank Trust and Mortgage

Well, I have to admit that Mr. Harrington does raise at least one good point: CEOs like him ran our economy into the ground when they had enormous salaries and perks. Just think how much worse they'll do if they're in a bad mood.

CEOs At The Wheel

The CEOs of General Motors, Ford, and Chrysler have beentrying some public relations moves lately. They're saying that if Congress bails them out with billions, they will only take a dollar a year in salary. It's part of the "we all have to make sacrifices" approach. I guess they think it makes up for the fact that they made millions last year while their companies were going in the toilet and many of their employees lost their jobs. They probably also think this sacrifice says, "We care more about this industry and our country than we do about personal wealth." Yeah, right.

I know that what's happened to the auto business is not just the fault of these three guys. We can't blame them for the fact that fewer and fewer people have the money or can get the credit to buy cars these days. And there are all kinds of reasons why the American car business has a hard time competing with foreign manufacturers. But these are the guys at the helm. This is their watch. They are the ones getting the big bucks to take the credit or blame for their companies.

I rarely begrudge anyone a big salary. If an actor or an athlete makes $20 million a year, it doesn't bother me. For one thing, it's not coming out of my pocket. I also figure that whoever is paying them is making hundreds of millions. But there's something wrong with how the auto CEOs acted. Picture these execs, sitting down at the dinner table at home after work: CEO's WIFE: "How was work today?" CEO: "Pretty rough. I had to lay off 3,000 workers. Pass the caviar."

In another P.R. attempt, the CEOs decided to drive to Washington this time to ask Congress for money instead of taking their private jets. Was that stupidity or arrogance that guided them to get in those planes last time? Anyway, I don't think driving to Washington was enough of a gesture. For one thing, it was three guys going from the same place to the same place. Don't you think they could have carpooled? Of course, they never would have been able to agree on whose car to take.

Now, I've never been the CEO of a company. I didn't even appoint myself CEO when I had my own corporation. But maybe the business needs some fresh ideas today. So, if I were one of the CEOs, I would have challenged the other two guys to race to Washington in the cars their companies make. Winner gets the most money from Congress.

There would have been some rules. Each of them would have to have driven a five-year-old mid-level model. A lot of people would be interested in knowing how those cars drive when they aren't brand new. Another thing: it would make these executives look more human if their wives and kids were in the car for the road trip, too.

If they were really interested in good P.R, they'd have videotaped the whole drive. Besides, if the taxpayers are going to give or lend these companies billions of dollars, don't you think we deserve to see how their cars hold up on a 525-mile road trip? Wouldn't you like to see these guys dealing with things like driving in the snow, maybe having to jump a battery, and finding a roadside restaurant that all members of the family agree on? These men are paid for making big decisions. I would've loved to have seen how they handle a really big decision – like when their kid says he has to go to the bathroom two minutes after they've pulled away from a rest stop.

But I think the best public relations move for these guys would be for them to resign. And it's not too late. Resignation would really say that they care more about the country and their industry than they do about personal wealth. Then they could take their millions and their stock options and go on a vacation. I'll bet that by the time they get home, some other big company will offer them a CEO job.

Why not? This is America where everybody deserves a second chance. And I have a feeling they will have learned from their earlier mistake. Oh, sure, they might run their new companies into the ground, too. But I'll bet when they go to Washington to ask Congress for another bailout for those new companies, they'll be smart enough to leave those private jets at home.