Tick Tock, Zap Zap

It might be a little expensive, but the new Apple Watch sure is pretty. And judging from the hype, it is the Invention of the Century. The Watch is the next logical product after the success of the iPod, the iPhone, and the iPad. My guess is the only reason that Apple didn't call it an "iWatch" is that they didn't want it to sound like an app for voyeurs. All of these devices have some important things in common: they look really cool, they're fun, and they're not something that anyone actually needs. The Apple Watch looks great and that's a good enough reason to buy one. But don't try convincing me that it will save you time and help you get fit.

The only way a watch is going to get you in better shape is by looking at it three times a day instead of eating. These watches won't be timesavers. People are going to spend their time staring at their watches instead of their phones. Of course, these are just my opinions. New York Times writer Farhad Manjoo seemed very excited about the Apple Watch in his review. He loves the fact that he no longer has to waste all that time, fumbling for his phone and taking it out of his pocket before checking for a "digital event." How much time does that take? Three seconds? (Of course, the New York Times is also the paper that recently devoted half a page to reporting the happy news that America is finally starting to embrace the electronic bidet).

The Watch notifies you of things by giving you little electronic taps on your wrist. Incoming phone calls and alarms "feel throbbing and insistent," and a text feels like a "gentle massage from a friendly bumblebee." Very poetic, but do you really want a massage from a bee? And when I'm out in public, I don't think I want any part of my body to "feel throbbing and insistent."

Let's face it. Most of what we do on our cell phones is not exactly essential to our lives. (Almost every day, I check the weather in Paris. I have no idea why, but it's fun). It's hard enough to resist a vibration from our phones now when we get a text, email, or notification. Are we really going to be able to ignore electronic zaps on our wrists? We're already at the point that many people sneak peeks at their phones when they're at an important business meeting. Couples even keep their phones at the ready when they're having a romantic dinner. And when that romantic couple rushes home, they won't need any mood lighting. Their cell phones emit just the right light.

There is a downside to taking your phone with you no matter where you go and what you do. Apparently, the more we turn on our phones, the less we turn on our partners. The birth rate in the United States has dropped about 7% since the advent of the cell phone in 1973. And it's happening all over the world. Japan – the home of electronic devices – is one of the nations that now have a negative birthrate. Coincidence? Who are we kidding? The cell phone may be the most effective form of birth control since the invention of the chili dog.

I'm no expert in statistics, but to me, these numbers suggest that many couples practice "phone-is interruptus." No matter how much fun the couple is having, they put on the brakes if their phone rings, buzzes, or plays their favorite song. And this behavior is only going to increase with inventions like the Apple Watch. Soon when you sneak a peek at your watch when he or she isn't looking, you won't be just checking the time. You'll be checking your texts. I'm not judging. I completely understand. After all, it's important to get that message from your friend who is sending you yet another photo of his dog.