Why Not Me?

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The rumors are true. I was not invited to Chelsea Clinton's wedding. I have no idea why. I never said or did anything cruel to either Bill or Hillary Clinton. I never met Marc's family, so why would they be mad at me? It's all a mystery. The invitation couldn't have gotten lost in the mail. You don't just drop an invitation to a former First Daughter's wedding in your neighborhood mailbox. You walk down to the post office, you wait in that dreadful line, and you pay the few extra bucks to insure the thing. No, they left me off the list on purpose, and they didn't do it in a classy way.

I understand that they couldn't invite everyone. I'm sure the Clintons had to let the Mezvinskys invite five or six of their friends. However, when you have limited space at a wedding, you don't just refrain from inviting people. You pick up the phone, you apologize, and you explain that you can't invite everybody. I would have understood.

I voted for Bill twice. I thought the way he conducted his personal life was stupid, but not worthy of wasting the country's time and money on impeachment hearings. And this is how he thanks me? I never criticized Hillary's love of pantsuits. I don't care what she wears. For that kind of support, she treats me like this? How much space would I have taken up at the wedding? How much food would I have eaten? How many times did they think I'd ask the band to play, "Louie, Louie?"

The irony is that I happen to be a great guest at parties. Often people seat me next to their crazy aunt or that family friend that they just had to invite. And if I'm sitting next to this person, the host and hostess don't have to worry about being embarrassed. Do you honestly think that there was nobody who needed this kind of attention at this wedding? Does the name "Roger Clinton" mean anything to you?

Maybe it seems like sour grapes, but that wedding doesn't sound so wonderful anyway. For openers, there were food issues. Chelsea is a vegan, and no, that's not someone from "Star Trek." I'm a picky eater, but I don't expect everyone I eat with to have my tastes. Chelsea, on the other hand, made sure there was a "goodie bag" for all the guests in their hotel rooms filled with gluten-free chocolate chip cookies. How appetizing does that sound? I hope she didn't make people sleep on mattress-free beds.

Here's an example of how dull things were in the town where the wedding took place. According to the "New York Times," teenage boys chased Madeleine Albright down the street, trying to get her autograph. Do you need more proof than that?

There is one reason I can think of for my not being invited to the wedding, but it's so juvenile I'm reluctant to bring it up. Chelsea and Marc both went to Stanford, and I went to the University of California at Berkeley. There is a huge rivalry between the two schools, but even someone who is stuck up enough to go to Stanford should not be hung up on this rivalry by the time they are thirty. I've gotten over it, but I guess Chelsea and Marc haven't. Just because Stanford has the most ridiculous mascot in all of college sports, doesn't mean a Stanford graduate should act ridiculously, too. I guess Chelsea and Marc have that typical Stanford immaturity and that's why they couldn't invite someone who went to a truly great university.

I know what you're thinking. I shouldn't take this whole thing personally. Look at all the famous people who weren't at the wedding: Oprah, Steven Spielberg, and Barbra Streisand are among those who are usually mentioned by the press. There are other famous people who weren't there: For example, Bill Gates, Nelson Mandela, and Lady Gaga. Also not on the list were George Clooney, Julia Roberts, and Ernie Banks. Come to think of it, the group of people who weren't invited are more interesting and fun than those who were invited. I see now that I should be proud to be in this elite company. So, I'll just stick with Mandela and Lady Gaga and the others. With friends like those, who needs Chelsea and Marc?

Rich People Love Goofy

According to several newspaper accounts, extremely rich people are spending their money on something that surprises me: theme parks. It just goes to show how out of touch I am with the ultra rich. I thought that they might treat themselves to things like putting an extra stamp on an envelope "just in case," showering for as long as they want, or splurging at the car wash and getting that carnuba wax. But I was wrong. Now the picture is more like this: After an executive receives his obscene bonus of tens of millions of dollars, he starts for the office door and is stopped by a colleague who asks, "Where are you going?" The guy with the big bucks looks at the camera and replies, "I'm going to Disneyland."

Theme parks are suffering financially these days. While so many people are struggling to pay their grocery bills, the last thing they are thinking about spending their money on is "The Mad Hatter's Tea Cups." However there is a niche market that is spending more than usual on things like Disneyland, Sea World, and Universal tours. That niche with a spending itch is the very rich.

For years, bored, rich people have gone on challenging and dangerous vacations. They've run with the bulls in Pamplona, hunted bears in Alaska, and even taken the ultimate risk by having their kitchens remodeled. So it's not surprising that Disney and the others have been trying to attract this kind of spending. Sea World plans on expanding their special "swim with the dolphins package" that starts at $199 per person now. Disney World has started to sell homes ranging up to $8 million with special access to the rides at the theme park. If I had $8 million to spend on a house, I'd want it to be as far as possible from a theme park. Once again, I'm just not thinking like the very rich.

How much money do you have to have to be considered "ultra rich," and how does anyone know how these people spend their money? American Express gathered the statistics and released them. (Isn't that nice to know that credit card companies can do things like that)? American Express classifies people as "ultra-affluent" if they charge at least $7,000 a month -- or $84,000 a year -- on their credit card. And someone at American Express noticed that these ultra-affluent cardholders spent 32% more on theme parks in the first quarter of this year than in 2009.

So how will theme parks cater to people who have all that money? I assume that they will have more and more adventurous and exclusive experiences. Sea World, for example, already has plans to expand its Discovery Cove. That's where admission is limited to just over 1,000 people a day who do things like hand-feed parrots. You can also pay $500 to be a trainer for a day at Sea world. I guess they think it's worth every penny to have their hands smell like fish for a week. A new addition will give rich visitors a chance to have "shark encounters." The only problem with having some of these Wall Street instant millionaires in that tank is that it'll be hard to tell which ones are the sharks.

There will be more exotic rides and attractions at all of the theme parks. Don't be surprised if a night at "Psycho's" Bates Motel includes being attacked when you take a shower. Isn't that just perfect for the wealthy honeymoon couple? At the "Dumbo, the Flying Elephant" ride, you'll be able to jump out of a plane while sitting on an elephant. I guess for a few bucks more the truly adventurous can do it the other way around – jumping out of a plane with the elephant sitting on them. And on the Jungle Cruise, the pampered but bored ultra-richie will be able to wrestle a python while getting a pedicure.

Maybe I should sign up for one of these exclusive adventures. I could meet somebody there who could help me in the business world. Who knows? I might be in line with a super billionaire who will want to be partners with me. It's possible. Let's face it: it's a small world after all.