The Annoyance Police

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In these very serious times, it seems that it's appropriate to get rid of some of the silly or outdated laws that are still on the books. I'm talking about things like its being illegal in Oklahoma to tease dogs by making ugly faces, Michigan's law that forbids a wife from having her hair cut without her husband's approval, and in Sullivan's Island, South Carolina, the law that prohibits people from "singing, whistling, or hooting" if it annoys somebody else. Wait a minute. That last one isn't an old law. It's an ordinance that was just passed by the South Carolina town.

Before you laugh at this law, I should make it clear that it is not in effect 24 hours a day. That would be ridiculous. It only applies to sounds that annoy somebody between the hours of 11:00 P.M. and 7:00 A.M. It also only deals with these actions if they are performed in public. You can still sing in the shower, and you can still do your indoor hooting wherever you usually do it.

Chief of police, Danny Howard, doesn't want this ordinance to be fodder for people like me to ridicule. He pointed out that nobody is going to get a ticket just for singing in public. However, if that singing annoys other people, then they might get a $500 ticket.

When I first heard about this ordinance, it struck me that if there were just a slight twist to it, it would be the kind of thing that teenagers would like to be the law. That imaginary twist is that the law would apply only to parents, not to kids. If you've ever had a teenager and you started to sing in public, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Typical reactions include the rolling of the eyes, the shaking of the heads, and acting as if they've never seen you before. Similarly, if you talk in a normal voice, but they think it's embarrassingly loud, they would feel that a mere fine would be too lenient of a punishment.

But the law was not written by teenagers to apply to their parents. It was written by adults to apply to everybody. The part I find most intriguing is that it's not the decibels that are the issue. It's whether the sounds somebody makes annoy somebody else. The knee-jerk reaction to this law is that it's too broad. I think it may actually be too narrow.

Why stop at sounds that are annoying to other people? There are lots of annoying things that people do in public that could be outlawed. Here are a few off the top of my head:

In a better world, people who wear T-shirts that read, "I'm with Stupid" shall be committing an offense in all 50 states and the Commonwealth of Puerto Rico. Anyone walking down the street and talking into one of those cell phones with the ridiculous ear things so you can't tell if they're talking to you, if they're crazy, or if they're just self-important, should be arrested and not allowed to text for 30 days. If you're waiting for an elevator after you've pushed the button and someone joins you and pushes the button as if you wouldn't have had the knowledge or experience to have done it yourself, that person should be taken to jail immediately. If you're in a grocery checkout line, and the person in front of you has... You get the idea.

Everyone could make a list of things that other people do that they find annoying. It might even be people who ask you to make lists. Again, the fascinating thing about the Sullivan's Island ordinance is that the crime is not based on the action of the perpetrator. It's based on the reaction of other people. So you can "sing, hoot or whistle" as loud as you want if it doesn't annoy anyone. On the other hand, if people have a negative reaction to what you do between 11:00 P.M. and 7:00 A.M., you're in trouble. It's because of this last fact that I must insist that, just in case, everyone in Sullivan's Island only read my column either before eleven or after seven.

Jumping Through Hoops

Are you tired of the way nominees are grilled by Senators before they get the job? Well, get used to it. Because of today's economy, an employer can subject prospective employees to just about any kind of interview. I managed to acquire a transcript of one of these interviews – I'm not saying I got it from a Russian spy at a kid's soccer game last Saturday -- and I have printed it below. It is the story of a young woman who has applied for a cashier's job at a neighborhood super pharmacy.

HERBERT BARRINGTON: Mrs. Coogan, on behalf of management, I'd like to thank you for taking the time to sit down with us to answer a few questions.

ELLEN COOGAN: You're quite welcome, Mr. Barrington, but it's Ms. Coogan, not Mrs.

ROGER MARSHALL: And representing labor, I'd like to welcome you too, Ms. Coogan.

COOGAN: Thank you, Mr. Marshall.

BARRINGTON: When you say you like to be referred to as Ms., is that just because you have no respect for traditional marriage, or have you decided to never get married?

COOGAN: I've never been married, but what does this have to do with the job?

BARRINGTON: So you hate men?

COOGAN: I don't hate men. I just haven't gotten married yet. I'm only 22.

BARRINGTON: What are you suggesting? That my 21-year-old daughter got married because she was pregnant?

COOGAN: I didn't say that.

MARSHALL: She didn't say that.

BARRINGTON: (MUMBLING ALMOST TO HIMSELF) We sell condoms in our own stores. She had to know that. She used to work here in the summers. They met in our ...

MARSHALL: Mr. Barrington.

BARRINGTON: (COMING OUT OF HIS OWN WORLD) Uh, yes. How do you feel about the rubber thumb issue?

COOGAN: I beg your pardon.

BARRINGTON: Many cashiers wear rubber thumbs over their God-given, real thumbs so they can separate bills more easily for counting. How do you feel about this practice?

COOGAN: I guess I feel it should be up to the individual to choose a rubber thumb or not.

MARSHALL: Good for you. She's pro-choice.

BARRINGTON: (AGAIN, IN HIS OWN WORLD) We don't even hide them anymore. We put them right out in the open, next to the batteries. How hard could it have been to ...

MARSHALL: Ms. Coogan, were you involved in some volunteer work while at college?

COOGAN: Yes, I read to blind veterans.

MARSHALL: How admirable. I'd like the record to show that, I too, served my country by mowing the lawn in front of the post office and...

BARRINGTON: Let's move on to a subject that concerns all Americans: Paper or plastic? If a customer has no preference, would you bag the purchases in a paper bag or in a bag made from the best plastic in the world produced by American trading partners?

COOGAN: Since you put me under oath, I'll have to say I'd go with paper. Better for the environment.

BARRINGTON: The environment? So, you admit you're a tree-hugger. I have here a copy of a paper that you wrote that is an example of radical environmentalism. You wrote this, did you not? (HANDS HER THE PAPER)

COOGAN: Yes, it was about putting pizza boxes in the recycling bin, and yucky leftover pizza in the regular trash. I wrote it in the fourth grade.

BARRINGTON: Have your views changed on this matter?

COOGAN: Not my views, but my spelling. Now I know that pizza has two "z's." Can we get back to talking about the job? How about benefits?

BARRINGTON: "Benefits?" The benefit would be that you'd have a job.

MARSHALL: Have we mentioned that she did community service work while she was in college?

BARRINGTON: Yes, and I was not impressed. Maybe some of those blind veterans would have learned to read on their own if she hadn't taken away their initiative by reading to them.

BARRINGTON: I believe in the maxim that if you give a guy some fish, he'll have something to eat, but if you teach him to fish, uh, then he can always go fishing with his buddies.

MARSHALL: What does that have to do with Ms. Coogan?

BARRINGTON: I just think... hey, where are you going, Ms. Coogan?

COOGAN: This interview is just too much for me. I'm going to apply for a job that's a little easier to get. There must be a Cabinet post that's open.