Hummers To The Rescue?

If I heard that someone had actually bought a Hummer in this day and age, I'd consider that big news. So when I heard that someone actually bought the entire company, the Hummer brand, I considered it enormous news. As you doubtlessly know by now, if the deal is approved, a Chinese company will buy the Hummer division from General Motors. This raises many questions, but the big one is WHY?

Last year, sales of Hummers fell 51%, and they are down 67% so far this year. Maybe the new owners think that those who weren't buying Hummers were saying to themselves, "What's holding me back is that they're a General Motors product. I'd buy one of those things if they were just owned by a Chinese company."

The prospective owner is Sicuan Tengzhong, a heavy machinery company. They say they plan to keep selling Hummers in America and all over the world, including China. In China, the Hummers would be subjected to a 40% tax that they impose on vehicles with big engines. So, good luck on that. The good news is that Sicuan Tengzhong says that they are going to continue to manufacture Hummers in this country. So at least for now, approximately 3,000 Americans will be able to keep their jobs. But if I were those workers, I'd keep one eye on the want ads, because I don't know how long they're going to keep making these simulated military vehicles.

It's interesting that General Motors was able to unload Hummer before it sold Pontiac, Saab, or Saturn, the other brands that it is dumping. I would've thought Hummer would've been a tougher sale. After all, the Hummer had come to symbolize many of the admitted negatives of the cars that the American auto industry has been making: It's too big, it's not fuel-efficient, and it looks silly in a nursery school parking lot.

I guess those Chinese businessmen see something in the Hummer that I don't. The parties won't disclose how much money the Chinese company is going to pay for Hummer, but I'm sure it was a bargain. And maybe they made one of those deals the car companies keep advertising on TV -- you know, if the Sicuan Tengzhong executive who agreed to this deal loses his job, G.M. will take back the cars and the Chinese company won't owe a penny.

Legend has it that Hummers came about because of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Apparently, while making the classic film, "Kindergarten Cop," he saw a convoy of military Humvees drive by. He loved the way they looked, so he persuaded the Humvee company to make a civilian version, which became the Hummer. Can you imagine having that kind of power? You'd like to have something, so you talk a company into manufacturing it? I wish Schwarzenegger would look at a commercial aircraft, and call the people who make it and persuade them to make one that's comfortable in coach and always on time.

The Hummer story is filled with irony. Since it looks like a military vehicle, the Hummer has always projected the image of a super-patriotic American car. Some of them are even painted with a camouflage design. The company that made the Humvees that Schwarzenegger admired was located in America's heartland – in Indiana. Now you'd have to go to China to talk to the head Hummer honcho.

It's possible that this arrangement won't end up making either side happy. Why do I say that? Guess who G.M.'s financial advisor is for this deal. It's Citigroup. I'm not kidding. That's the same Citigroup that was so mismanaged that the phrase "toxic assets" came into the vernacular. It's the same Citigroup that received billions of bailout bucks. And that's who G.M. went to for financial advice? That makes about as much sense as a military vehicle company taking business advice from an actor who someday would be governor of a state that goes billions of dollars in debt while he's in office.

Like I said, I'm happy that you Hummer workers won't be thrown out of work, but keep your options open. And don't let them pay you in stock.

Easy Money Is Just One Idea Away

If necessity is the mother of invention, a bad economy is invention's annoying, but motivating brother-in-law. During the Great Depression, all kinds of important things were invented including the electric shaver, penicillin, and Monopoly. The 30s also spawned the first laundromat, baby food, and nylon stockings. The car radio came out during the Depression, and so did photocopiers and radar. And let's not forget one of the greatest inventions of all time: the chocolate chip cookie, also a child of the Depression.

Since so many people were out of work with plenty of time on their hands in the Depression, they could devote those non-working hours to dreaming of ways to make life better for others which they hoped would make a fortune for themselves.

Today's economic conditions are similarly ripe to bear the (organic) fruit of people's imagination. Maybe we won't come up with anything as great as the first roll-on deodorant or the non-leaking ballpoint pen, but I predict historians will look back at the end of the first decade of the Twenty-First Century as a time of some very creative inventions.

Apparently, a lot of people are trying to make that prediction come true. According to its Executive Director, Patrick Raymond, membership in the United Inventors Association has grown 20% in the last six months. Attendance at the Silicon Valley Inventors Alliance meetings has doubled lately.

People all over the country are sitting at their kitchen tables or pacing about their backyards, trying to think of The Next Big Thing. Some of them have probably enlisted their kids in this effort. They're saying things to their children like, "Sit down and tell me what kids your age would want. We can change your diaper later." Similarly, when a spouse asks, "Why don't you look for a job?" it may be answered, "Are you crazy? I don't have the time. I have to think of a great invention before everybody else does."

Thomas Edison had 1,093-patented inventions. How hard can it be to think of one? I'll prove it to you. Here are some things that I think would make great inventions, and I'm offering the ideas to you, free of charge. All you have to do is work out a few minor details:

SEX

Viag-bowow – is a sex drug and/or gadget that not only gets you in the mood, but also walks your dog while you're enjoying yourselves.

COMMUNICATION

Caller ID Switcherooni -- This device is for people who want to call their old boyfriend or girlfriend and then hang up once they hear his or her voice. (You know who you are). Nobody wants their old love to find out their identity by seeing their phone number on their Caller ID. No need to worry anymore. The Caller ID Switcherooni doesn't show your phone number; it shows the number of that good looking, but shallow, person who stole your love many years ago. And that's who gets questioned by the police for stalking.

COMMUTING

Wait No More -- An alarm clock that also automatically wakes up all the other people in your car pool so you won't have to wait for anybody.

HEALTH

The Food Predictor -- This looks like a meat thermometer. You stick it in your food, and it will tell you if the FDA is going to declare what you're about to eat unhealthy in the next five years.

THE WORKPLACE

Instant Porn -- A device for your computer when you're at work. So you won't get caught by your boss, it quickly changes your computer to a porn site from a job search site.

AIRLINE TRAVEL

Grand Canyon This -- enables you to talk to the pilot from your seat and tell him about what you're reading whenever you feel like interrupting his trip.

DIET

Mirrored Dessert Plates -- these plates show more of your chubby face as you eat, so you'll know when to stop.

You see how easy it is to think of inventions? Now, you try. Oh, I almost forgot. I have an idea for an invention for use after the economy recovers and people go back to investing the same way they used to. I call it the Yes It Can Machine: every time you look at your stocks and are about to put even more money in the market, you'll hear a recording that says, "Yes, it can happen again."